I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
What my back needs
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The police never think its as funny as you do.