My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
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Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
A short story of betrayal:
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.