Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
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Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison