[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh