Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
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He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”