Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
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ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.