I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
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WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.