If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
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My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL