the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here