Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
You Might Also Like
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Received some very disappointing news today
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.