“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
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HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
absolute chaos
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time