Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Rather alarming headline…
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity