Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
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Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
X-tra spooky blend
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck