HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
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Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.