A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
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“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.