*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies