why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
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Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.