[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
You Might Also Like
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Follow me for more life hacks.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us