[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
seems fine
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car