Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
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Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?