Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
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when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.