me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
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wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you