Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
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A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead