In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
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@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
subtitles are so good nowadays
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.