Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
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I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy