please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
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A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake