If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
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Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles