MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*