A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
constantly working on myself.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?