Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
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wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.