first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.