It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
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“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.