My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
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Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.