“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
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I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!