[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
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I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.