What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
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*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking