You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”