Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
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Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.