me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
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My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.