Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.