{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
You Might Also Like
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
whatcha thinkin bout
May have had one breakfast too many