Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
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[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Cats (2019)
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
“what’s it like having a sister?”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses