I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
You Might Also Like
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this