Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying