Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
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how high up are we talkin’?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!