boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
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There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
When I retire I’m going to run from office.