Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
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Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
work smarter, not harder
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas