I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
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You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.