No one told me my life would become so much googling it
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Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.