I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
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everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
when dads have a rap battle
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.